A Mommy...A Runner

It was a hard adjustment.  I went from doing my own thing...eating when I wanted to eat, sleeping when I wanted to sleep, going anywhere when I wanted to go...to no longer having my own freedom.  Nothing was my own any more.  My body was not my own, my bed was not my own, my room was not my own...I couldn't even take a shower without having her in the room with me.  After giving birth to my first born, life changed...forever.  I was a Mommy.  All other things fell to the way side.  She was my priority.  I cared for her round the clock.  And after the months went by, I felt as if I was losing myself....losing my identity, my individualism.  So, I had another 14 months later...because, afterall, I was a Mommy now and nothing else mattered.

Then, one day, I was going through bins in the basement and came across some old pairs of jeans that I told myself I would never wear again.  I felt a twinge of something inside of me...a spark that was on the verge of starting a huge fire.  The guilt set in.  I told myself that I was a Mommy now and it was selfish of me to want things for myself...my focus should be on my kids.  But, the nagging thought would not leave my head...and I decided on January 1st, 2006 that I was going to do something about it.  I was going to get "me" back.

A few months went by, I felt the shell start to crack around me.  Everything I did, though, all the hard work was put in while my kids were sleeping.  Any time that I took away from caring for them, I felt guilty about.  Time away from my kids was not a "good Mommy thing" to do...but my ideas began to change as much as my body was changing.  And, I knew that I needed this time for myself as much as my kids needed it.  I bought a double jogger for my birthday that year in 2006 and the rest is history.

I remember stepping on the scale one morning and looking down at a number that was lower than what I started at before I became a Mommy.  I had accomplished what I had thought to be impossible.  I wasn't selfish.  I wasn't a "bad Mommy".  Through running, I was showing my kids that I cared enough about myself to keep myself healthy.  I cared enough about them to make sure I kept their Mommy healthy.  I was showing them what hard work, determination, and dedication looked like.  They knew that every morning at 10AM they would go for a ride in the jogger because Mommy needed her exercise.

Today, running looks a little differently for me.  I don't push a double jogger anymore...rarely do I push anything...except for myself.  It's a chapter in my life that has slowly faded out.  These days, instead unfolding my double jogger, I lace up my shoes and hit the road solo.  Instead of loading up two (at one time, three) of my kids in the jogger, I blow each a kiss and tell them that Mommy is going for a run.  It's me time...it's a time of pounding out the stress of life, listening to the thoughts in my head, with nobody asking me for anything, calling my name, or needing me.  It's just me...on the open road.  I have discovered over these last (almost) six years, who I am.  They call me Mommy and I am thankful for every minute of it.  But, it's also wonderful that I can hang that hat up several times a week and lace up my running shoes...for me...because I am also called a runner.